Another Day

Today has been pretty uneventful... Silas is on his second nap of the day.. And I've been doing homework all day, trying to stay ahead so I don't have to play catch up later! Tommy and the crew came to the house for lunch today.. They don't bother me by them coming to the house, it's just awkward for me. A bunch of guys that he basically spends just as much time with them as he does me in one room, granted my house is not very big so it's not like i can just go to another room or something I pretty much linger around the house while they are here. Like I said awkward to say the least.

I think that i have decided that I want one more child. I don't want just two children. Don't get me wrong I love my children. They are everything to me, they are why I wake up in the morning. But I would like to try one more time for a girl.. If I didn't get a girl, then I would just accept the fact that I am meant to have boys and be done at that. I grew up with only one sibling and we don't get along very well, so I always thought that three children would be better than two. not harder...

Now I have to get back to homework...

Kla Jo

Two years ago....

Originally written on april 27, 2011

Two years ago yesterday... I had the tattoo on my foot redone by this boy, little did I know I would be sitting here two years later with a 1 yr old baby boy belonging to him. Meeting him was pure fate... I had been in a relationship with another boy who I had loved for as long as I could remember.. He broke my heart when he stepped out on me, and I never looked back! When I met Tommy I was a broken woman and I didn't know where my life was headed. I already had a 2 almost 3 year old son when Tommy and I met. I had a baby about a year after I got out of High School, I was only 18 when he was born and turned 19 not long after. My high school sweetheart and I thought it would help us be together.. We realized after Sean was born that a baby can't make a relationship better.. it puts way too much stress on it. Adam and I didn't work out. And I wished that he would spend more time with his son, but I have come to grips with reality and this is just who Adam is. He cares about nothing and no one.. He does care about Sean, but not enough to be an active member in his life. But anyways... Tommy and I ran away together, and i got pregnant with Silas. And now here I am 23 years old, mother of two boys and not married.


Not  married almost by my choice! I am a full time student at a local college. I enjoy going to school, I enjoy learning.. I wish I could just make money going to school and educating myself, but that's not realistic.. So I'm going to school and it costs money to go to school... Well if i get married then i don't qualify for my pell grants anymore and i would have to pay out of pocket now  to be in school instead of after i graduate and actually get a job that i can afford to make payments on my school.

Another reason for not being married... I don't know that I am capable of being married.. I have seen so many relationships crumble from the foundation. My parents stayed married 10 more years then they actually wanted to because they didn't want to make the children suffer.. Little did they know they would screw their daughter up. Now, I'm not saying this entirely their fault.. But I lay some of the blame on their doorstep.. Evenly.. not more for one or the other. I love my parents dearly and i wish they could get a long.. which they do on occasion for the grandchildren. But i think a man and a woman should truly be in love! like that feeling in your stomach that butterflies are lifting you up into the clouds and you feel the breeze and heat from the sun. But I wouldn't recognize it if i saw it.

I've been in love, probably more than my fair share of love... I am a serial monogamous.. I love being in a relationship, and feeling protected. Growing up I never really felt protected unless my daddy was around. But he was in the army and spent a lot of time resenting my mom that maybe i feel like i didn't get the right kind of encouragement.. Nobody ever told me I could be somebody.. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way..

Well Silas is up from his nap.. it's time to wrap this up for now... mommy-duties begin again!

Kla Jo