My dad

Im coming to realize that my father may be dying... I don't know how much of this is true, but my step-mom says his behavior has made a ratical change here lately... my brother and him got into a very nasty no holds barred argument a couple weeks ago and i thought that would never happen... My brother, Jake has been the biggest supporter of my dad for the last 11 almost 12 years... And he went balls out on my dad and every other member of the Army... It is almost not fair.. my dad does have a lot to say when it comes to the subject of my mother, but let's be realistic.. she has her fair share of opinions when it comes to my dad.. She'll tell you he was never there for me or my brother and that we were neglected as children and made to eat steak and fries every night... hell my brother will tell you that... but every one seems to forget the goolash we ate or the spaghetti or my dad's famous chili... no we didn't have variety in our foods we ate for dinner... but we did eat every night,... And let me be the first to say if I could eat steak every night I would.. I throughly enjoy a nice cut of beef seasoned the right way and cooked to perfection! But I understand that having that every night doesn't always give you the nutrition you might need. But aside from dinner,  what did he really do wrong??? He made it to some of my softball games and most of Jake's baseball games... No he never showed up for girl scouts but that was my mom's job. He got on to me about my grades.. he grounded me if i came close to failing!!!!! My mom didn't do that... she just kinda shrugged it off..

He made us get in the tub every night... I remember one specific night that I was watching wrestling with my dad at the computer (his favorite spot).. and he told me to go take a bath, I thought i was so smart and went into my room and changed my clothes... got my hair wet in my bathroom and sat on my bed for 5 min... trying to let a suffient amount of time pass to go back out to the living room... well needless to say that in minute 2 he walked into my room and there i was sitting on my bed with wet spots on my shirt and no indication of taking a bath, except my damp hair.. Needless to say I got in trouble and he made me take a bath with his supervision.

No, we didn't get to do a lot of things kids do, we had chores and responsibilites from a young age.. but that's how my daddy was raised.. My grandad bought things to eat that he knew no one liked so no one would snack through the day.. my dad didn't do that.. No we couldn't have soda but I don't let my kids drink soda either. Juice is good, Milk is better!

Now you must be wondering where my mom was during all of this... well she was working.. She went to work at 11 am and didn't get home till after we were in bed... and she would be sleeping when we left for school in the morning.. She worked in Nashville at the Opryland Hotel. I remember mon-fri I would only see my mom if i went to tell her good-bye when i went to school in the morning. Don't get this twisted this is not a blog about what my mother did wrong, or how she wasn't always there.. neither was my dad.. from ages 12-22 my dad didn't have a lot to do with me..

I asked my dad to attend my first play in high school... A Christmas Carol! And he came, but some kind of drama occured before the show and my dad left.. I still to this day don't know exactly what happened, but some of it had to do with my mom and some had to do with my step-dad.. and some had to do with my dad. But the saddest part about it is, that I was the one that was hurt that day! Whatever! Anyways..

I don't know what is going on with my dad, but unless i change the day i'm getting married my dad will not be able to attend.. My step-brothers are coming home from Iraq/Afganistan on the same day, And i understand his need/want to be there for them.. but i wish just once i could come before anybody else!

Bottomline-----------------------------------------------
I love my dad
I love my mom

And I'd rather not speak about one with the other.. it only creates drama...


klajo

The perfect location!

Well I have discovered the perfect location for my dream June Wedding!!! I am so excited, I've been looking for sometime now for the absolute perfect location for it. I just couldn't seem to settle on anything until I remembered going to a wedding like 4 years or so ago at this beautiful mill. It is actually over a hundred years old and the history is pretty cool. I just hope the price doesn't break the bank.

We have also decided on a date. June 20, 2012! Im super stoked! And I just realized that, that day is my granny's birthday.. Although she left this earth almost 12 years ago. Tommy and I burnt rubber and got the hell out of Tennessee 2 years ago on that day.. Well now it's almost 3 years ago.. or at least will be the day we get married!!!!!

Tommy and I's relationship has down leaps and bounds better in the last 3 months than it has done in awhile. We are communicating and listening to one another more.. I wouldn't necessarily say better but most def. more than we have in a long time.

The kids are excited that today is Halloween!!! They woke up ready to go trick or treating.. Sean doesn't get to celebrate at school but Silas does! Sean is goint to be a Vampire and Silas is going to be a bat.. My mom made the boys' costumes this year, which is something I was ecstatic about! My mom used to make mine and jake's costumes when we were little.. it's much cheaper..

Okay well I got to get back to school work!

KLAJO

Another day Another dollar

So.. Today is October 24, 2011~~~

I am at school today, probably should be working on my classes, or at least the one I am in, but I'm so irritated with this fucking school! They just continue to screw me, and I'm sick of it. I am looking in to other schools and what would ultimately be better for me and my family, but I can't seem to get through to any other school. Namely (Bethel). I would much rather be attending a Universty then a Junior college, or now what is an Institution! I have been in college since May of 2006 and I have a 2 year degree to show for it. How sad?! I think it is incredibly sad that I don't even use the damn degree except decoration on my entertainment center.. Im proud I finally finished it, but I'm disappointed that I didn't apply myself.

Waiting.. Waiting... Waiting

As the days drag on.. they seem so short in retrospect.. Im sitting here suppose to be doing Word Expert Homework but I just can't seemed to stay focused... I'm still hung up on what happened this morning.. I hate leaving when Tommy and I are in an argument, because it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.. As much as I want to just get over it, I can't help but still think about how much he overreacted this morning.. It is just ridiculous.. that i can't focus in school because Tommy can really be a jerk sometimes..

So now, I am kicking myself in the ass because I should be working on homework but I cannot get into it.. I just stare at the book and let my mind wonder around, I know I am out of cigarettes and I have to go buy some more at break... but I just want to go do it now! this is ridiculous!

The Wedding of my Nightmares!

So in case you didn't know, Tommy and I are getting married on Decemeber 17, 2011. At first it was suppose to be let's get married in a quick easy ceremony and later on we'll have the wedding of my dreams... but i feel like i won't get the wedding of my dreams if i don't try to make it happen now. I want the dress, the people, the food, the tradition. Tommy just complains that this isn't what we agreed on, and I just keep saying that this is what i want and that i am going to pull it off for me. This day is suppose to be special and memorable.. and if it's not memorable then why even get married at all.. This day is suppose to be about Tommy and I commiting in front of our friends and family to each other.. to show how much we love one another and that we want to spend the rest of our lives side by side....

Not to my suprise, Tommy is resisting every aspect of helping me plan this wedding.. I guess he is just going to show up the day of the wedding and I will do everything else... pretty much the ususal... I do it all and he sits back and watches me...

I do have to say that Tommy has stepped up and far as being a more active memeber in this relationship in the aspect of helping me more in taking care of the kids.. I do believe that he does more around the house because his parents would lecture him to the point of him wishing they would slaughter him cause that would be easier. (Side note: Living with Tim and Patty isn't always sunshine and roses, but they do give us our privacy and don't medal to much into our business)

Although this morning i felt like tommy shouldn't have gone downstairs and told his dad what we were fighting about... because i don't feel like it is any of his business!!!! I feel like Tim should worry about what is going on in his own marriage and stop worrying about Tommy and my's family! I understand we live under your roof, but we choose to parent in our own fashion and do not need your input. I thought I made it pretty clear to everyone that Sean and Silas are my children and I will raise them, the way I want them raised! If I want to make my children spoiled rotten lil shits then that is what i will do. (side note: I don't want spoiled rotten lil shits!)

You know Tommy finds a way to pick at me, and catches me when i can't say anything that would embarass me. Like this morning we get in a fight over punishing Sean... and it wasn't even a fight about Sean's punishment, it was about me stepping in to get Sean to stop crying so he could hear his punishment!!!!! So I leave after Tommy makes too many smartass comments!!! Then he wants to call to lecture me... uh... no way.. well i had to stop for gas,,, i tell him i can't talk to you right now im in a store and i will not be discussing this! But nope he keeps on going and forcing me to stay quiet the whole time! grrrrrr then someone in the store is talking to me and tommy starts yelling at me about the person talking to me... about why are you in the store... i thought you already paid for your gas.. why is anyone talking to you... blah blah blah

I just hate the lectures... trust me if i wasn't in a store I would have started in on him too but I do not want to embarass myself in front of perfect strangers! Bottom line this wedding is turning into a nightmare!!!! I just want my perfect day and perfect dresss... blah blah blah.... I just have to pull this off.. ....

damn!

Birthdays and such

Yesterday was my son Sean's 5th Birthday! That means i've been a mom for 5 years and 1 day now and although i haven't always been the best mom, I try really hard to do right by my kids... even if it doesn't always turn out the way i would like for it to...

anyways.....

My mom took Sean to NC to pick up my nephews last night and didn't take Silas too.. it upsets me because sean has been to NC before to see my nephews and Silas has never seen the ocean.. it doesn't make any sense to me, that when Sean was a baby my mom jumped at the chance to fly him to GA to see my brother Jake,,, and everytime they would go somewhere (traveling) they took Sean with them... now that I have two children they don't want to take them both they only want to take sean because it's easier.. but i went through this as a kid.... I wasn't the first or even the second grandchild on either side of my family and I never went and stayed with my grandparents or they take me anywhere without my parents... I never had the luxaries my kids get ... and it's not even my kids... it's just Sean that gets to do all the fun stuff and Silas is stuck at home with me and tommy!... although Silas is sick right now i wouldn't let him go because of it... doesn't matter they stated in the beginining that they were only taking sean if anyone...

Now... my birthday... is in two weeks well less than two weeks and  my mom bought me tickets to Keith Urban... (so excited) #Keith Urban... but anyways my mom bought me the tickets when they went on sale and I was so excited I came to school that same night and told Sandy about them.. and then the very next week she won 4 tickets and 4 backstage passes... hard to believe? I thought so... but then she said that she was giving me 2 of each but I still haven't seen the tickets or passes.. I just don't know what to think... Sandy is much older than me age wise... but not mentally... She is just like a teenager which makes her loads of fun but also makes me not want to trust her... i don't know what to do...Although i love Sandy very much i find it hard to believe people unless they have proof...

What to do what to do..

Not just that ... but tommy informed me that he will be completly miserable the night we are in nashville because he has to sit around and do nothing the whole time i'm at the concert! Frankly I don't care! This night is about me not him... i don't really care what he does.. i tried to pay for a tattoo for him because he hasn't been tattooed in over 2 years and i was trying to do something for him so he wasn't bored.. but he waited too long and now he can't get an appointment!

Signing out ... gotta get back to class :(

Klajo

Vengence

After 10 years of fighting a war that not many people know what it is for, public enemy #1 is dead. And nobody knows really what that means...


So... Anyways...

Another Day

Today has been pretty uneventful... Silas is on his second nap of the day.. And I've been doing homework all day, trying to stay ahead so I don't have to play catch up later! Tommy and the crew came to the house for lunch today.. They don't bother me by them coming to the house, it's just awkward for me. A bunch of guys that he basically spends just as much time with them as he does me in one room, granted my house is not very big so it's not like i can just go to another room or something I pretty much linger around the house while they are here. Like I said awkward to say the least.

I think that i have decided that I want one more child. I don't want just two children. Don't get me wrong I love my children. They are everything to me, they are why I wake up in the morning. But I would like to try one more time for a girl.. If I didn't get a girl, then I would just accept the fact that I am meant to have boys and be done at that. I grew up with only one sibling and we don't get along very well, so I always thought that three children would be better than two. not harder...

Now I have to get back to homework...

Kla Jo

Two years ago....

Originally written on april 27, 2011

Two years ago yesterday... I had the tattoo on my foot redone by this boy, little did I know I would be sitting here two years later with a 1 yr old baby boy belonging to him. Meeting him was pure fate... I had been in a relationship with another boy who I had loved for as long as I could remember.. He broke my heart when he stepped out on me, and I never looked back! When I met Tommy I was a broken woman and I didn't know where my life was headed. I already had a 2 almost 3 year old son when Tommy and I met. I had a baby about a year after I got out of High School, I was only 18 when he was born and turned 19 not long after. My high school sweetheart and I thought it would help us be together.. We realized after Sean was born that a baby can't make a relationship better.. it puts way too much stress on it. Adam and I didn't work out. And I wished that he would spend more time with his son, but I have come to grips with reality and this is just who Adam is. He cares about nothing and no one.. He does care about Sean, but not enough to be an active member in his life. But anyways... Tommy and I ran away together, and i got pregnant with Silas. And now here I am 23 years old, mother of two boys and not married.


Not  married almost by my choice! I am a full time student at a local college. I enjoy going to school, I enjoy learning.. I wish I could just make money going to school and educating myself, but that's not realistic.. So I'm going to school and it costs money to go to school... Well if i get married then i don't qualify for my pell grants anymore and i would have to pay out of pocket now  to be in school instead of after i graduate and actually get a job that i can afford to make payments on my school.

Another reason for not being married... I don't know that I am capable of being married.. I have seen so many relationships crumble from the foundation. My parents stayed married 10 more years then they actually wanted to because they didn't want to make the children suffer.. Little did they know they would screw their daughter up. Now, I'm not saying this entirely their fault.. But I lay some of the blame on their doorstep.. Evenly.. not more for one or the other. I love my parents dearly and i wish they could get a long.. which they do on occasion for the grandchildren. But i think a man and a woman should truly be in love! like that feeling in your stomach that butterflies are lifting you up into the clouds and you feel the breeze and heat from the sun. But I wouldn't recognize it if i saw it.

I've been in love, probably more than my fair share of love... I am a serial monogamous.. I love being in a relationship, and feeling protected. Growing up I never really felt protected unless my daddy was around. But he was in the army and spent a lot of time resenting my mom that maybe i feel like i didn't get the right kind of encouragement.. Nobody ever told me I could be somebody.. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way..

Well Silas is up from his nap.. it's time to wrap this up for now... mommy-duties begin again!

Kla Jo