In my everyday life, I give 260 some odd people a newspaper or two. I care for my children, and somewhere in between I sleep. I've been getting a little more sleep than usual. My parents are taking my kids for the weekend so I'll get more sleep. And I am going to Kerry's baby shower Saturday!!
I don't know how life is supposed to be mapped out. But I'm doing my best. I don't know how else to get through this but to roll with the punches! I love my husband more than anything in the world. I feel like I deserve the world. I don't feel like he's doing everything he can to dig us out of this whole we're in!!! I love my new job, I pace myself and do it in my own time.
I don't know... I don't know.... I just don't know.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Another night
I'm sitting here in the depot patiently waiting for the papers to show up. Not knowing when they're coming completely sucks!!! I got my inserts all organized and set up the way I like them. I make it point to have my ear buds in at all times... Just in case someone tries to talk to me.. I can ignore them easier this way. Well papers are here so this will have to wait for another day
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
3 years
3 years ago today my husband said to me " you better love me, cause i love you and we're doing this" right before we took everything we packed and i said good bye to Sean and we ran away together.
Not many people know, and im not ashamed of my love story. To me its a fairy tale, a twisted one but a fairy tale nonetheless.
Tommy and i met twice, the first time i was at the tattoo shop and met him jessy's truck was broke down there and my bf at the time and jessy and big chuck were working on it. Ashley and me were inside where her cousin adam and his friend corey were there to grt tattooed. I gawked at tommy asking hin about his head tattoos and such.
The next time we met he didnt remember me, i felt insignificant, but i was there because i needed to get a tattoo... I was there because jessy had talked to stony about giving me a tattoo after the crap i had been through over the past week. My tattoo got handed off to the apprentice, tommy, he didnt want to do it but his mentor asked him to. That night after the tattoo he invited us over to his house for drinks. I was so high i couldnt see straight, i had been doing vast amount of drugs for a few days and had barely slept. Tommy offered me his bed but i couldnt i had too much respect for myself... He swore he was trying to sleep with me just offering me a place to sleep. For the following 2 months tommy and i hung out just about every night. But we were just friends, at least thats what we called it. I needed somebody to hold me and not expect anything from me. I didnt want a relationship. I tried to make that clear to him. And he equally tried to make it clear to me that we were just friends with benefits.
On this day 3 years ago we ran away together, along with chopper steve who some convinced us to go to mexico! First night we were in memphis, stayed at a motel 6, we stole the comforter! Before we went out for the night tommy told me he had a gf for more than a year. I told him i already knew and didnt matter he ran away with me. The next day chopper steve made up with his wife and we dropped him off in waverly. We went to see some of my family drank coffee and talked. Webleft there and headed down to GA. We went through atlanta stayed in macon left went to savannah. We stayed with his sister in law. My Parents didnt even know i had left. I called them in savannah so they wouldnt worry. Told them i needed some time and they didnt understand how i could leave my child. But i couldnt take him with me, i didnt have custody of him and that would be kidnapping. We went to tyvee island and spent the day at the beach, i made tommy call Kat and tell her it was over. We left there and traveled down the coast of florida, i had never been to florida. We stopped in st augustine and played in the ocean, drove half way down the coast then headed west then drove up the other side of florida stopping only to sleep or play. We ended up in alabama for my friends wedding. I was the maid of honor how i could i not be there. The day of Lyndi and Chris' wedding i got pregnant with Silas.
We really didnt know each other when we left Clarksville. But over the last 3 years we have made our family and set out in a journey to end all journeys, There is nobody else in the world that gets me at my best and my worst. (aside from my kids). This fay 3 years ago means so much to me, he told me he love me before i could tell him. I didnt want this relationship, i didnt ask for it, i wasnt ready for it. And we made it through some dark times together. But thats just it, we made it together and nobody can take that away from us.
He quit tattooing for me. And i never realized how hard that was for him. Until last night, tattooing his is passion, and i would never allow him to throw it away again!
I love my husband, with everything i am. He is my soul mate, my lover, my best friend! He and my kids are what makes me want to better myself. I'll never stop growing as a person because i never want to let him down.
THANK YOU TOMMY! For being my hero and saving me from spiraling into nothing. You are my white rabbit the one i will follow down any dark hole. You make me happy and i appreciate everything you do for me and the boys!
Not many people know, and im not ashamed of my love story. To me its a fairy tale, a twisted one but a fairy tale nonetheless.
Tommy and i met twice, the first time i was at the tattoo shop and met him jessy's truck was broke down there and my bf at the time and jessy and big chuck were working on it. Ashley and me were inside where her cousin adam and his friend corey were there to grt tattooed. I gawked at tommy asking hin about his head tattoos and such.
The next time we met he didnt remember me, i felt insignificant, but i was there because i needed to get a tattoo... I was there because jessy had talked to stony about giving me a tattoo after the crap i had been through over the past week. My tattoo got handed off to the apprentice, tommy, he didnt want to do it but his mentor asked him to. That night after the tattoo he invited us over to his house for drinks. I was so high i couldnt see straight, i had been doing vast amount of drugs for a few days and had barely slept. Tommy offered me his bed but i couldnt i had too much respect for myself... He swore he was trying to sleep with me just offering me a place to sleep. For the following 2 months tommy and i hung out just about every night. But we were just friends, at least thats what we called it. I needed somebody to hold me and not expect anything from me. I didnt want a relationship. I tried to make that clear to him. And he equally tried to make it clear to me that we were just friends with benefits.
On this day 3 years ago we ran away together, along with chopper steve who some convinced us to go to mexico! First night we were in memphis, stayed at a motel 6, we stole the comforter! Before we went out for the night tommy told me he had a gf for more than a year. I told him i already knew and didnt matter he ran away with me. The next day chopper steve made up with his wife and we dropped him off in waverly. We went to see some of my family drank coffee and talked. Webleft there and headed down to GA. We went through atlanta stayed in macon left went to savannah. We stayed with his sister in law. My Parents didnt even know i had left. I called them in savannah so they wouldnt worry. Told them i needed some time and they didnt understand how i could leave my child. But i couldnt take him with me, i didnt have custody of him and that would be kidnapping. We went to tyvee island and spent the day at the beach, i made tommy call Kat and tell her it was over. We left there and traveled down the coast of florida, i had never been to florida. We stopped in st augustine and played in the ocean, drove half way down the coast then headed west then drove up the other side of florida stopping only to sleep or play. We ended up in alabama for my friends wedding. I was the maid of honor how i could i not be there. The day of Lyndi and Chris' wedding i got pregnant with Silas.
We really didnt know each other when we left Clarksville. But over the last 3 years we have made our family and set out in a journey to end all journeys, There is nobody else in the world that gets me at my best and my worst. (aside from my kids). This fay 3 years ago means so much to me, he told me he love me before i could tell him. I didnt want this relationship, i didnt ask for it, i wasnt ready for it. And we made it through some dark times together. But thats just it, we made it together and nobody can take that away from us.
He quit tattooing for me. And i never realized how hard that was for him. Until last night, tattooing his is passion, and i would never allow him to throw it away again!
I love my husband, with everything i am. He is my soul mate, my lover, my best friend! He and my kids are what makes me want to better myself. I'll never stop growing as a person because i never want to let him down.
THANK YOU TOMMY! For being my hero and saving me from spiraling into nothing. You are my white rabbit the one i will follow down any dark hole. You make me happy and i appreciate everything you do for me and the boys!
Friday, June 15, 2012
A day like any other
When i was 15, I met this guy. I call him my high school sweetheart. But at this point he is anything but a sweetheart... Unfortunately i have to deal with him for at least the next 12 years.... I havent had an actual conversation with the man in like more than 6 months. But today i get a text on how i ruined his life. Nvm how he fucked my credit up, bc of child support i have ruined his life! Give me a break!
Then my step-father starts in on me about not making a payment in 6 weeks. I HAVE NO MONEY! Complaining about paying one bill for me when my mom pays out $800 a month for my little brother to have an apartment bc he doesnt gave a job!! I highly doubt he will ever pay it back but im the shit bag bc i dont make payments right now!
Yes my husband has 2 jobs but one is a commission based business... No tattoos = no money. He does have like a 9-5 so to speak that he gets pais by the hour but that pays car insurance car payments rent grocery etc.
Why everyone picked today to be the day to get mad at me i dont know... But im tired of being a punching bag.
Then my step-father starts in on me about not making a payment in 6 weeks. I HAVE NO MONEY! Complaining about paying one bill for me when my mom pays out $800 a month for my little brother to have an apartment bc he doesnt gave a job!! I highly doubt he will ever pay it back but im the shit bag bc i dont make payments right now!
Yes my husband has 2 jobs but one is a commission based business... No tattoos = no money. He does have like a 9-5 so to speak that he gets pais by the hour but that pays car insurance car payments rent grocery etc.
Why everyone picked today to be the day to get mad at me i dont know... But im tired of being a punching bag.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Im sorry brooke
Originally written in may 2011
So this past weekend I went to my sister Brooke's house, for my twin brothers, Dusty and Daniel's Going Away Party. They are deploying together next month and this party was the first time the 5 of us have been together in like 8 years. (That is Jacob, Brooke, Dusty, Daniel, and Me.)... Unfortunately, the reason why all 5 of us haven't been together for the last 8 years is because of me. I'm the only one that hasn't been around in the last 8 years. I love my brothers and sister. You don't get to pick who your family is, even if you try, but I am the black sheep in this family. I did horrible things to my sister and she hasn't trusted me in a long time. I hurt her because i felt like she was hurting me, by building the relationship with my dad that i always wanted. She got my dad in every aspect that i wanted. And I was jealous of her for a very long time. I have mended my relationship with my dad in the last couple years and things are much better. And I am trying to be an active member of this family. The Hathcock-Cowan/Wilcut family that I have always wanted to be apart of but didn't know how to be. I have always wanted to be apart of a big family just never knew my place in the family. I see now that I have to continue to mend relationships that I've broken in the last 11 years.
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For the first 12 years of my life, I wanted a sister so bad. And then when my parents split and my dad and Kathy decided to bring us kids together, I finally got a sister. But I was so busy being jealous of her that I never got to know her as a person. I didn't get to have that big sister I always wanted because I didn't want to give her a chance because she got my dad in the ways i desired. I was so unhappy going to spend the weekends with my dad that i just didn't go. Now at 23 or almost 24 I missed out on having MY dad in my life. All because I couldn't get over my own insecurities. Now that i have grown up into adulthood and I am a mother, I only want a better relationship with my sister. I can only hope she will read this and understand what i went through in my teenage years and that i never had anything against her, and I'm truly sorry for taking your class ring.. I just wanted to hurt you, because i felt that you were taking something from me(my dad), so I wanted to take something from you that meant something. I'm sorry Cookie... I hope you can forgive me and we can build a relationship together.
So this past weekend I went to my sister Brooke's house, for my twin brothers, Dusty and Daniel's Going Away Party. They are deploying together next month and this party was the first time the 5 of us have been together in like 8 years. (That is Jacob, Brooke, Dusty, Daniel, and Me.)... Unfortunately, the reason why all 5 of us haven't been together for the last 8 years is because of me. I'm the only one that hasn't been around in the last 8 years. I love my brothers and sister. You don't get to pick who your family is, even if you try, but I am the black sheep in this family. I did horrible things to my sister and she hasn't trusted me in a long time. I hurt her because i felt like she was hurting me, by building the relationship with my dad that i always wanted. She got my dad in every aspect that i wanted. And I was jealous of her for a very long time. I have mended my relationship with my dad in the last couple years and things are much better. And I am trying to be an active member of this family. The Hathcock-Cowan/Wilcut family that I have always wanted to be apart of but didn't know how to be. I have always wanted to be apart of a big family just never knew my place in the family. I see now that I have to continue to mend relationships that I've broken in the last 11 years.
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For the first 12 years of my life, I wanted a sister so bad. And then when my parents split and my dad and Kathy decided to bring us kids together, I finally got a sister. But I was so busy being jealous of her that I never got to know her as a person. I didn't get to have that big sister I always wanted because I didn't want to give her a chance because she got my dad in the ways i desired. I was so unhappy going to spend the weekends with my dad that i just didn't go. Now at 23 or almost 24 I missed out on having MY dad in my life. All because I couldn't get over my own insecurities. Now that i have grown up into adulthood and I am a mother, I only want a better relationship with my sister. I can only hope she will read this and understand what i went through in my teenage years and that i never had anything against her, and I'm truly sorry for taking your class ring.. I just wanted to hurt you, because i felt that you were taking something from me(my dad), so I wanted to take something from you that meant something. I'm sorry Cookie... I hope you can forgive me and we can build a relationship together.
A dying father
When you were growing up, did you ever think about the day your dad would no longer be around for you? I never did. I thought my dad was invincible i thought he was immortal. My dad had a massive stroke in January. And it killed 25% of his brain. Now his heart throws blood clots to his brain and he will probably never recover. As a daughter it hurts me deeply to know i cannot help him. When it first happened i made him a priority. Made it my business to be there everyday even if he didn't know it. When he began to make progress i couldn't bring myself to be around him. I tried but i always left in tears, i didn't want to live my life that way, so i stopped making him a priority. My visits became few and far between. I am a bad daughter for this. I went to see my dad for his bday! He couldn't have been happier to see me. He wanted me to just sit at his bed side so he could stare at me, and smile.
Lately ive been on this 90s kick. Save by bell, the nanny, boy meets world. Only watching shows that remind me of my dad. Latest is duck dynasty. To watch them talk about beavers made me cry. If you knew my dad then you'd know his life's work was dedicated to be an outdoorsman. Unfortunately that is no longer plausible for him. He is wheel chair bound and he cant even control that at this point. How do you look someone in the eye everyday and not break their heart?
Lately ive been on this 90s kick. Save by bell, the nanny, boy meets world. Only watching shows that remind me of my dad. Latest is duck dynasty. To watch them talk about beavers made me cry. If you knew my dad then you'd know his life's work was dedicated to be an outdoorsman. Unfortunately that is no longer plausible for him. He is wheel chair bound and he cant even control that at this point. How do you look someone in the eye everyday and not break their heart?
Monday, November 28, 2011
My dad
Im coming to realize that my father may be dying... I don't know how much of this is true, but my step-mom says his behavior has made a ratical change here lately... my brother and him got into a very nasty no holds barred argument a couple weeks ago and i thought that would never happen... My brother, Jake has been the biggest supporter of my dad for the last 11 almost 12 years... And he went balls out on my dad and every other member of the Army... It is almost not fair.. my dad does have a lot to say when it comes to the subject of my mother, but let's be realistic.. she has her fair share of opinions when it comes to my dad.. She'll tell you he was never there for me or my brother and that we were neglected as children and made to eat steak and fries every night... hell my brother will tell you that... but every one seems to forget the goolash we ate or the spaghetti or my dad's famous chili... no we didn't have variety in our foods we ate for dinner... but we did eat every night,... And let me be the first to say if I could eat steak every night I would.. I throughly enjoy a nice cut of beef seasoned the right way and cooked to perfection! But I understand that having that every night doesn't always give you the nutrition you might need. But aside from dinner, what did he really do wrong??? He made it to some of my softball games and most of Jake's baseball games... No he never showed up for girl scouts but that was my mom's job. He got on to me about my grades.. he grounded me if i came close to failing!!!!! My mom didn't do that... she just kinda shrugged it off..
He made us get in the tub every night... I remember one specific night that I was watching wrestling with my dad at the computer (his favorite spot).. and he told me to go take a bath, I thought i was so smart and went into my room and changed my clothes... got my hair wet in my bathroom and sat on my bed for 5 min... trying to let a suffient amount of time pass to go back out to the living room... well needless to say that in minute 2 he walked into my room and there i was sitting on my bed with wet spots on my shirt and no indication of taking a bath, except my damp hair.. Needless to say I got in trouble and he made me take a bath with his supervision.
No, we didn't get to do a lot of things kids do, we had chores and responsibilites from a young age.. but that's how my daddy was raised.. My grandad bought things to eat that he knew no one liked so no one would snack through the day.. my dad didn't do that.. No we couldn't have soda but I don't let my kids drink soda either. Juice is good, Milk is better!
Now you must be wondering where my mom was during all of this... well she was working.. She went to work at 11 am and didn't get home till after we were in bed... and she would be sleeping when we left for school in the morning.. She worked in Nashville at the Opryland Hotel. I remember mon-fri I would only see my mom if i went to tell her good-bye when i went to school in the morning. Don't get this twisted this is not a blog about what my mother did wrong, or how she wasn't always there.. neither was my dad.. from ages 12-22 my dad didn't have a lot to do with me..
I asked my dad to attend my first play in high school... A Christmas Carol! And he came, but some kind of drama occured before the show and my dad left.. I still to this day don't know exactly what happened, but some of it had to do with my mom and some had to do with my step-dad.. and some had to do with my dad. But the saddest part about it is, that I was the one that was hurt that day! Whatever! Anyways..
I don't know what is going on with my dad, but unless i change the day i'm getting married my dad will not be able to attend.. My step-brothers are coming home from Iraq/Afganistan on the same day, And i understand his need/want to be there for them.. but i wish just once i could come before anybody else!
Bottomline-----------------------------------------------
I love my dad
I love my mom
And I'd rather not speak about one with the other.. it only creates drama...
klajo
He made us get in the tub every night... I remember one specific night that I was watching wrestling with my dad at the computer (his favorite spot).. and he told me to go take a bath, I thought i was so smart and went into my room and changed my clothes... got my hair wet in my bathroom and sat on my bed for 5 min... trying to let a suffient amount of time pass to go back out to the living room... well needless to say that in minute 2 he walked into my room and there i was sitting on my bed with wet spots on my shirt and no indication of taking a bath, except my damp hair.. Needless to say I got in trouble and he made me take a bath with his supervision.
No, we didn't get to do a lot of things kids do, we had chores and responsibilites from a young age.. but that's how my daddy was raised.. My grandad bought things to eat that he knew no one liked so no one would snack through the day.. my dad didn't do that.. No we couldn't have soda but I don't let my kids drink soda either. Juice is good, Milk is better!
Now you must be wondering where my mom was during all of this... well she was working.. She went to work at 11 am and didn't get home till after we were in bed... and she would be sleeping when we left for school in the morning.. She worked in Nashville at the Opryland Hotel. I remember mon-fri I would only see my mom if i went to tell her good-bye when i went to school in the morning. Don't get this twisted this is not a blog about what my mother did wrong, or how she wasn't always there.. neither was my dad.. from ages 12-22 my dad didn't have a lot to do with me..
I asked my dad to attend my first play in high school... A Christmas Carol! And he came, but some kind of drama occured before the show and my dad left.. I still to this day don't know exactly what happened, but some of it had to do with my mom and some had to do with my step-dad.. and some had to do with my dad. But the saddest part about it is, that I was the one that was hurt that day! Whatever! Anyways..
I don't know what is going on with my dad, but unless i change the day i'm getting married my dad will not be able to attend.. My step-brothers are coming home from Iraq/Afganistan on the same day, And i understand his need/want to be there for them.. but i wish just once i could come before anybody else!
Bottomline-----------------------------------------------
I love my dad
I love my mom
And I'd rather not speak about one with the other.. it only creates drama...
klajo
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